Got a call this morning to let me know I was being let go. That my last day is November 30.
I wish I could be excited, but all I feel is numb. I’m so scared right now.
More to come.
So I’m working on my Master’s thesis. Which, in July, seemed like it would be cake since I already had the pages done. It would just be a couple months of some editing, some fleshing and, some small plot adjustments…
Was I ever wrong.
Whole swaths of the story don’t make sense any more as I’ve ironed out the set-up and, aside from Lysander, it feels like no-one has a point in the story any more. I’m sure it’s just my state of mind, but the entire project looks hopeless right now. There are so many glaring flaws from how I first put this together and it feels like I might be worse off for having 125 pages done instead of ahead.
Like, take Rex’s plot line.
Originally, I had him sealing his memories in an attempt to sever connections with Shadow–which he thinks is a dark reflection of himself created by using magic to kill. While Rex still feels that Shadow’s influence on him is what caused the explosion that destroys Thenas–because in part it is, deJean forces Gar-Neil to attack Rex and the fight does damage the reactor…but it’s deJean that pushes the button to cause the meltdown–he doesn’t commit mind suicide to try and separate himself now, mostly because Marvm won’t help him with it (and because amnesia is a shitty story mechanic AND I already have one amnesiac who sort of has to be.
However, I still want that tension that he’s using great amounts of his energies to hold back what he thinks is a great evil within himself, but without Rex forgetting things, his whole state of mind in the investigation sections makes no sense. He knows what’s up, or at least thinks he does. Worse, he knows he’s the only one who knows and I don’t think that comes through anymore between changes in perspective and his relationship to Shadow.
In many ways, Rex’s plot line is like Bruce Banner’s. Both of them have a power inside they can’t control and it comes out under stress. They spend a lot of time trying to find an answer to what they are without endangering those around them and I think that’s the direction I need to go to some extent.
So what if Rex is still trying to apply some kind of seal and is using his Ebb to do it (Ebb being the magic of perception of reality). Perhaps he’s traveling around, selectively cutting memories out and just happens to keep stumbling into deJean’s preparations–except that shadow is leading him to these places to stop what is going on.
Perhaps I should elaborate on what Shadow is…Like his “sister” Arcanna, who represents Ebb, he is a living construct of the Flow (magic borne of memory and connection) and he is as much Rex as he is any individual in the rest of the world. He exists as a guardian of the Inner World–a tangible representation of the Collective Unconscious, essentially–and to guide the High Mage. He is present in the minds of any who might become an Oracle and it usually he who summons someone to Magken to take the seat. How Shadow appears to each High Mage potential is different and at sometime I need to figure out what Cerra sees.
And that’s just the plot issues. Switching the Rex chapters from first to third person means I’m losing all of his filter and there’s just this huge void left that I’m not sure how to fill. Maybe I’m just rambling at this point, but at least I feel a bit better…
I often get frustrated–mostly because of how easy it is to distract me. Most times I can deal with everything going on, but if I get interrupted too many times when I’m focused on getting something done, I quickly lose my patience. And once I’ve lost it, that’s pretty much my default emotional state for the rest of the day. Suddenly, everything is frustrating. Not just ‘Oh, bother’ irritating, like fury of the gods smashing things. A typo begets mashing on keyboard. Another ‘One more thing…” from a developer has me throwing things. I literally have to shut down to avoid breaking things and it can take all day to recover.
Typically, this isn’t a problem. I can manage to avoid getting to frayed nerves of rage levels on most days–but lately that’s not been the case. I’m at wits end by ten am and can’t get away to calm down, I spend the whole day with a pounding headache and tingling fists from hammering the wall to avoid snapping my work laptop in half. I’ve spent the last two weeks in either a blind rage or an apathetic slump. By time five rolls around, if I’m actually able to get away from the computer and I’m not being bombarded still. I’m so exhausted from the day that trying to write anything, much less involved stories is near impossible.
I think this is in large part why I’ve fallen off creatively and why I spend so much of my time now just working on things that are half finished instead of creating new things. Editing is a different section of my mind, a part that’s more resilient to the effects of frustration. Editing lets me refine an idea and get out of my head, but is still grounded enough that I can stop doing it on a moment’s notice and come back to it later. Or at least it did, I can’t speak for how I’ve been recently.
That’s actually what I’m trying to figure out, why am I so uproductive of late? Is it really just that day after day is getting blown entirely by being pushed past my frustration limit before it’s even lunch time? Or does the lack of hard deadlines just reveal how little initiative I’m in possession of? Is my depression to blame? Likely, its some combination of the above. Which begs the question, what can I do about it?
The obvious answer is to get another job. Which is, I think, where a lot of my anxiety is coming from. I keep finding myself lacking for any position that might be interested in hiring me. Sometimes by just a little, other times by orders of magnitudes, but I don’t know what to do to fix it. I figure most of the jobs that are entry level won’t hire me because I’m a semester away from finishing my masters and have three years experience. Jobs that are looking for someone with my level of experience in my field typically want an active security clearance since I’d be dealing with classified systems. Other jobs in my grade outside of my field are…well beyond me really. I have a non-zero amount of UX knowledge, but not enough to pass myself off as a designer and don’t really know what to do about getting better on that front. The same can applied to web-design, networking, project management, event planning, teaching, technical writing…the list goes on. It might be easier to find a direction to go if that list had fewer elements, or if I was any better at one thing over the others–but that’s not the case. In fewer words: I need to figure out what I want to do so I can move on.
Failing that, I need to figure out where my burst of productivity came from, harness it in some form or another and get creative again.
Anyway, ’til next time!
Hey! Long time no see! I haven’t really been around much lately and that’s all my fault. I’ve let myself get caught up in struggling to accomplish and I’ve lost sight on getting anything done at all. So I’m going to try and get back to putting up a column once a week–it might not be on the same day, but I need to rebuild my habits.
Also, I want to get back to arting. Part of my process used to be sketching, doing something else creative while I’m stuck on a draft and since I’ve let that slide, my ability to write has dropped quite a bit. I just keep getting stuck and then frustrated and then not sitting at the computer typing lest I snap my keyboard in half. Which, of course, means getting over that my style is abhorrent. I mean yeah, this torso is really long, the legs are laughable, and the eyes are kind of “off”, but I did this in three hours from sketch to CG and I need to realize that’s something of an achievement. Sure I can hardly draw anything else, but the basics are there if I can ever get over being the suck.
’til next time!
Spoiler season for Dragon’s Maze started last night and among the first things WoTC dropped was this baby:
Needless to say, I am stoked. I loved the split cards first reprinting in Dissention and then the craziness that was Planar Chaos and this new iteration feels like an evolution of a Magic mainstay since Invasion. Granted Fire//Ice and Boom//Bust are probably the only two splits that see any regular play at Comp Rel, but there’s plenty of them that have pretty solid uses–and I’m betting this one will be seeing serious play:
See, there was this card in Champions of Kamigawa called Glimpse of Nature. For those not familiar, it was a sorcery for G that had rules text to the effect of whenever you cast a creature for the rest of the turn, you draw a card. Sadly, it was banned almost immediately when Modern was first formed because of decks like this one played by LSV in the community cup just before WoTC replaced Extended with Modern. The the main concept was build into an Elf-powered ball of mana and then hardcast Emrakul. It could do this on turn 2. Turn 2.
Beck is cut from the same cloth. The extra mana cost makes it a bit harder to combo off on turn two with, but it works with ETBs and not on cast. Which makes me wonder if RUG Twin will make a come back over Raka (WUR)–I know I’m certainly going to give it a try–I can definitely see Combo Elves trying to make a come back in Modern with it.
Beyond that, the rest of last night’s spoilers were pretty much around were I expected. Ral’s a solid walker with some neat abilities that are 110% Izzet. Malek is going to be one heck of an EDH general. I am surprised Resto’s ability is staying in standard, albeit at a lower power level.
Can’t wait for tonight to see what new goodies get spoiled. We have 8 guild champions left and who knows what else waiting to see the light of day.
’til next time!~
Last week I mentioned a Dega build–that wasn’t The Aristocrats–that was putting up results on MODO. I can say after some testing that this fact isn’t a fluke. The deck has answers for days and having Rites as a means to extend the usefulness of your fatties places the deck in a position that allows it to take on all comers.
Prime Speaker Bant
Did a couple test hands against Renee’s build for PS Bant. Of course since it was the first hand since either of us put the deck together, game one was going to go to whomever was less mana screwed–which ended up being Renee. Game two was a similar affair, only I won the land screw draw. Game three through, game three showed off. I started with a Faithless looting that put both Unburial Rites in the graveyard. Renee dropped a Smiter and proceeded to beat down. Lingering souls held the line for a few turns until she got an Angel of Serenity online. A timely ultimate price into Olivia Voldaren seemed like it was going to stabilize me, but a Zaganna ETB got Renee ahead. I stole Zaganna and then I swung…right into an Azorius Charm. Renee got her Zaganna back and killed me.
I realize I lost because of misplay. I should have have activated Vault of the Archangel and gunned down both creatures, but that’s the advantage of hindsight.
Hung out at Kaboom down in Va Beach on Saturday while visiting the fam and played a couple games.
My first couple of hands were against a GR Werewolves build that pushed me very hard game one. Post board, with more removal and more rites, I outclassed it and both games two and three went heavily in my favor.
My second match was with UWR flash and geez did their build have a pile of answers. Game one was what felt like an endless torrent of negate, counterflux, rewind, and snapcaster mages. Game two was a brilliant looting into Rites, Obzedat followed by Lingering Souls and Lilianna of the Veil. Ended up a win off the back of two Boros Charms. Game three was another amazing looting (Rites, Aurelia). Won on Souls, Obzedat and Lilianna.
Knowing that this UWR Flash was more worried about counter and lass about burn, its hard to get a good feel for where I am in the more global match-up. I feel like I shouldn’t have won off of Lingering Souls twice, but its how the games played out. Going to get some more testing tonight and I’ll update when I get back.
Well, I say scrubbing out, but I was statistically in contention for money pretty much the whole day until I lost in round 7. Honestly, this is the best I’ve ever done at a large event and, in the abstract, I’m overall pleased with 3-5. Really though, I’m still quite sad. Looking back on my play, there are numerous places where I could have done better. Deck wise, the Spicy Raka build was right on for most of its matches, but not having Boros Reckoners to side in against aggro was a pretty big issue. Had I the four of, two of my losses to aggro could very well have been wins. I also missed a Pillar of Flame interaction with Doomed Traveler that likely cost me Round 1 game 1 against Esper Spirits.
But that’s last week. Let’s talk this week.
First off, this deck happened and as a wedge player I can only say it’s about time.
|4 Blood Crypt
3 Clifftop Retreat
4 Dragonskull Summit
4 Godless Shrine
4 Isolated Chapel
3 Sacred Foundry
2 Vault of the Archangel
2 Aurelia, the Warleader
|1 Blasphemous Act
4 Faithless Looting
4 Lingering Souls
3 Mizzium Mortars
1 Rakdos’s Return
3 Tragic Slip
2 Unburial Rites
2 Liliana of the Veil
|1 Blasphemous Act
2 Gloom Surgeon
2 Liliana of the Veil
1 Mizzium Mortars
2 Purify the Grave
3 Rakdos’s Return
1 Rolling Temblor
1 Tormod’s Crypt
1 Unburial Rites
I’m not 100% on the Sideboard, I feel like 4/75 cards being Rakdos’s Return is a bit much, esp. with 4 Liliana of the Veil as well. I’m probably going to run a package that’s more like the following to be better matched up against things like Reanimator, PSZ Bant, or Flash, where I’m just dead if the resolve an Angel of Serenity for value.
3 Ultimate Price
2 High Priest of Penance
2 Liliana of the Veil
1 Mizzium Mortars
2 Purify the Grave
1 Rakdos’s Return
2 Rakdos Charm
1 Unburial Rites
Ultimate Price, Purify the Grave, and Rakdos Charm each allow me to respond at instant speed to either their reanimation or Zanganna and Angel of Serenity’s ETB triggers. I won’t catch everyone, but there are definitely times where I’ll get things exiled permanently off an Angel or make them draw one card off Zaganna.
Going to be playing the above build this weekend and will report back on how it does. Not sure If I’m playing over at the Pillage or down at Kaboom in Va Beach, but I’m sure to be having a blast either way with my second favorite color combo behind RUG.
Speaking of RUG, RUG Flash finally put up some tournament results with a top 16 finish at SCGKC. The build is pretty much what I was running pre-GTC with Yeva and Huntmaster doing most of the heavy lifting. Should this Dega build not work out, it’s likely I’ll go back to that. Aggro-Control is my main skillset and these two builds are right in that wheelhouse.
Anyway, ’til next week!
So I was up in Boston last weekend for The Association of Writing Professionals annual conference and by time Friday rolled around, I was absolutely done with the highfalutin, not-interested-in-you-because-you-write-genre-fiction attitude I had gotten through out the day. So I hopped on the 1 Bus and headed over to Cambridge to get in some FNM and testing for DC this weekend at Pandemonium. (Yes, I left a writing convention to go play Magic, crown me king of the dorks now). Getting over there was a bit rough. The streets were clogged with slush and every intersection from the bus stop brought with it another chilly plunge, still I soldiered on–though I arrived late and got a match loss.
Which turned out to not be all that terrible. I got to watch two guys play Android: Netrunner, based on a long lost CCG designed by Richard “always designing things” Garfield which in turn was based heavily on Cyberpunk 2020 a setting very similar to Shadowrun. The asymmetrical deck system had some interesting aspects that I think will help with my own “Dungeon Crawler”. One player plays as a Megacorp, whose goal is to advance agendas. The other player is a runner or hacker and their goal is to break in and steal information. Corps and runners each have their own pool of cards and decks are built from them–which means no mirror matches of Bant Control on Bant Control. While the series is more of a board game format now, with ll you need in one box, there’s still a deck building aspect and, as Fantasy Flight does, there are plans for regular expansions–one of which is up for pre0-order now.
After they wrapped up, there was still time left in the round so I talked with the judge, an L1 named Amelia, about the store and how Fridays normally went. With Pandemonium being only one of a few card shops in the Boston metro area, the game room is consistently packed, that night there were about 100 people there. Not surprisingly, most people drafted, but there was a good number of standard players. What stuck me as odd was that she didn’t have any help, unlike our store where nearly half of the players are at least rules advisers, Amelia is the only judge at the store. She said it was because few players wanted to consistently to give up their Friday night play time to help out and that’s kind of sad. Beyond Friday, we talked about other events that she runs including Casual Sunday, where she has players draft the Store Cube, all the way up to PTQs which are typically held at a nearby hotel. At the point the round was over so she posted pairings.
I sat down across from a guy with flaming red hair, I believe his name was Andrew. We chatted for a bit while shuffling and I won the roll and went first. Two turns in, I literally squeed. We were both playing RUG. The first game was a steam roll in my favor and we went to board–which is when the problems happened. See, my RUG build is low range aggro-control, his was midrange full-control. He got a card drawing engine online and though the second game was close, he pulled ahead with a timely ‘tusk followed by Zagana. Game three was a bit of a misplay on my part, I kept a hand of Strangleroot, Boar, two lands, and three charms. At which point I drew nothing but land. Even so, the game came down to 5-7 before his Deadbridge pushed through with a wolf run.
Match two was against Grixis Delver, but it too wasn’t like any build I had seen previously. The deck hammered me down game one with dual Falkenrath Aristocrats. Game two my deck went off like an explosion and I won in five turns. The highlight of which was a stack war over my Quirion Dryad who ended up a 6/6 by time all was said and done. Game three was super close, but he got another ‘risto online and I didn’t have answers.
The last match of the night was against a guy named Jared who was running Grixis Control. Unfortunately for him, Strangleroot and Pyreheart ruined his sweepers and both games went to me in quick succession with a solid beat down.
1-3 might seem bad, but I feel like more of the games would have gone in my favor had I not played poorly. The deck still needs some tweaking, but I feel like it’s in a good spot. More testing tonight and we’ll see!
Oh mine guttes! GP Charlotte…
Friday - Getting there
Leading up to the weekend I was suffering from one heck of a head cold, but I’d lived through worse and, as always, paid the illness no mind. Left on Friday around noon after picking up a couple of other players from The Pillage. The route we drove took us down 81, through the mountains. Had I know what I do know, I would have suggested 95 a bit more strongly. Thirty minutes into the drive, just past Front Royal, I felt like my head was being stuffed with cotton while also being clamped down on. Right after, my hearing went all wonky and I developed quite the headache. This is the state I played in all weekend–and that very well might be a major contributing factor to my subpar GP experience.
We got to Charlotte just after six, just enough time to check in to the hotel and get to the hall for Foiled Again.
Friday – Foiled Again
In my mind a super-sized FNM , there were about 250 people playing Standard, where playing got you an FNM promo and each round you won garnered another. Played Life Bomb after managing to find the last two Sorin’s I needed for the deck. Match One, I drew with UWr Tempo after assembling the combo game one and losing game two. That put my win by combo count to two out of nearly 20 games at that point. Not a good sign, but I’ll get to that later.
Even so, my other two matches were pretty solid outings with Obzedat/Sorin wins. I lost to RDW in the final round to end 2-1-1 after running over to register for the next day. I couldn’t hear shit with the noise from the grinders going on by the main event stage, but eventually the judge and I synced up and I got signed up.
Though I was a bit sad that my 2-1-1 finish meant I only got three foils, I finally have a playset of FNM Gitaxian Probes now and the pack I got for being top 64 had a Domri in it. This was the high point of the weekend, if I’m honest.