[Wednesday Ramblings] A Fish in the ocean
I’ve been in something of an emotional tailspin for a while now. Maybe since October, but probably far longer than that. Right now it’s manifesting in two problems that are inseparable. I have a job that sucks out most of my energy and I have no energy to be creative, so I don’t really have a portfolio to leverage to make an escape.
Since before we moved in March I’ve been trying to find a new job. It’s now July and I’m still slaving away in a terrible work environment (that I’ll admit is partially my own mindset but you don’t get to this level of desperate to escape from self-inflicted suffering alone). I’ve put in hundred of applications to all of the tech firms around the DC Metro area, from Tech Writing to Help Desk to Development, even other CM jobs. Yet, beyond the interview I got on the day we moved, I’ve gotten virtually no response–despite even getting championed by a couple HS Solutions companies. The general consensus seems to be that I’m just not that outstanding. That, despite three years of professional experience, my resume isn’t strong enough either: because my degree is English, my work history has no writing, or I have don’t have a portfolio of completed projects. In other words, I am unable to escape because I have no means to do so.
Which brings me to my other major emotional struggle right now. In a few days I go back up to Maine for my second residency and I’m both stoked and terrified. I’ve spent the past two weeks reading the writing of my peers–some of who are utterly amazing writers. A fact that just casts my own middling talent in sharp relief and makes me wonder if I’m not just wasting time since it seems like being in an MFA program doesn’t vouch for either my academic strengths or my writing ability.
You can probably guess how things progress as I wait for someone to get back to me. So I’ll move on and head to bed, because things’ll be better in the morning. At least until i spend all day applying for jobs again and don’t hear word one in reply.